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Uncle Salty's Attic
Saturday, 19 November 2005
A Sunburned Whore Left DNA in my Van
Have you ever had someone you barely know blurt out a total confession to something really heinous? Not like a friend or a coworker, but someone at a bar you just met that night? Or waiting in line at the bank? And when I say heinous, I don't mean that they got too much change back at the gas station one time and kept it, or they cheat on their taxes. I mean like something really bad, like bank robbery or killing a whore in Mexico. I can see some of you are still confused, so let me illustrate.

The other day I went to see the doctor. See, I fell down the stairs and hurt my neck at my grandmother's house a couple of days ago while I was helping her get one of her oxygen tanks from the basement and my lawyer wanted me to get a full checkup before we filed the lawsuit.

Anyway, not that the cab ride down there wasn't nice, but I would rather endure three solid minutes of oral sex from Terry Bradshaw than drive across town at 1 in the afternoon in the back of what appeared to be and smelled like a landfill. By the time I got there I had already sweat out most of my urine sample and had my prostate checked three times by the seat springs. I had forgotten all about my neck.

So, I limp into the waiting room and up to the girl at the front desk. (Mind you the place was already stocked to the rafters with the afflicted.) On my way there I passed three coughers, a moaner, two snorters and a guy holding a partridge with a pear tree sticking out of his ass. I tell the girl who I am and she tells me to sit down and the doctor will be with me shortly. I tell her I wouldn't seem so short if she would climb down off of her high horse and I turn and begin looking for a seat.

Finally, I limp over to an empty next to this guy who seemed to be in a deep conversation with one of his crutches. I sat down and eventually he turned to me and this is what he said;

"I got this whore with a really bad sunburn one time. Then after I killed her down by the river, I had to vacume all of the dead skin and DNA out of my van."

After determining whether or not I had just swallowed my gum (which I had) I looked at him and said, "It's all the morning sun rays that they get. And let's face it, who has time to moisturize when you blow 20 or 30 guys a day?"

He nodded and went back to telling his crutch about the three little pigs. Just then my name was called by the nurse and I never saw the guy again.

Strange huh? Part of me likes to think that I was merely in the right place at the right time to hear that story. But the other part of me wonders if this guy had seen something in me that told him I was the one. The one he was meant to confide in. This secret had been nagging at him, eating him from the inside out for years and I come along and ease his burden. Just like that.

Just something to chew on....

I leave you now with the words of George Washington Carver--

"Who the Hell left the goddamn cap off the toothpaste?"


Posted by unclesalty3 at 2:10 AM EST
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